Every day it feels like I’ve been kicked in the back. On my worst days, it also feels like I’ve been kicked in the chest. The ER doctor I spoke to yesterday said I will probably feel like this for a long time.
Troponin is a protein that’s released into the bloodstream when the heart muscle is damaged. Troponin levels for a normal person are under 20.
My levels were over 22,000 when I was admitted to the ER two weeks ago. The ER doc said, “My levels weren’t even that high when I had a heart attack.” They’re at about 300 now. So…not good, but also nowhere near as bad as before.
I struggle to get out of bed most days.
The thing about all of this is that it was just a stroke of bad luck. Muscle damage aside, my heart is completely healthy. I was actually surprised when my cardiologist said my arteries were pristine. It just so happens that when I caught pneumonia (which I didn’t even know that I had), it attacked my heart. Because fuck me that’s why.
Some days are better than others.
If I have the strength to brush my teeth, I consider that a victory. If I can shower, that’s even better. Having chronically low blood pressure means I get tired, fatigued, and dizzy VERY easily. I haven’t fainted yet though, so that’s a good sign.
I am extremely lucky to have my support system. My poor husband has cried a lot in the past two weeks. I suppose hearing words like “stroke” and “heart transplant” uttered by doctors doesn’t help, even when it turns out that they don’t apply to me. But in my condition, they’re in the range of possibilities. Devan keeps telling me, “I’m gonna take care of you. We’re gonna get you better, I promise.” I believe him.
I don’t how how long this road is gonna be. It might be two months, it might be a year. All I know is that I want to return to normalcy. Drive on my own, go to work, go to the gym, occasionally eat foods that are bad for me without wondering if my heart is gonna beat out of my chest. I really miss sushi.
My situation could always be worse. I try to remind myself of that.
