Every day it feels like I’ve been kicked in the back. On my worst days, it also feels like I’ve been kicked in the chest. The ER doctor I spoke to yesterday said I will probably feel like this for a long time.
Troponin is a protein that’s released into the bloodstream when the heart muscle is damaged. Troponin levels for a normal person are under 20.
My levels were over 22,000 when I was admitted to the ER two weeks ago. The ER doc said, “My levels weren’t even that high when I had a heart attack.” They’re at about 300 now. So…not good, but also nowhere near as bad as before.
I struggle to get out of bed most days.
The thing about all of this is that it was just a stroke of bad luck. Muscle damage aside, my heart is completely healthy. I was actually surprised when my cardiologist said my arteries were pristine. It just so happens that when I caught pneumonia (which I didn’t even know that I had), it attacked my heart. Because fuck me that’s why.
Some days are better than others.
If I have the strength to brush my teeth, I consider that a victory. If I can shower, that’s even better. Having chronically low blood pressure means I get tired, fatigued, and dizzy VERY easily. I haven’t fainted yet though, so that’s a good sign.
I am extremely lucky to have my support system. My poor husband has cried a lot in the past two weeks. I suppose hearing words like “stroke” and “heart transplant” uttered by doctors doesn’t help, even when it turns out that they don’t apply to me. But in my condition, they’re in the range of possibilities. Devan keeps telling me, “I’m gonna take care of you. We’re gonna get you better, I promise.” I believe him.
I don’t how how long this road is gonna be. It might be two months, it might be a year. All I know is that I want to return to normalcy. Drive on my own, go to work, go to the gym, occasionally eat foods that are bad for me without wondering if my heart is gonna beat out of my chest. I really miss sushi.
My situation could always be worse. I try to remind myself of that.
• My husband and I are long-distance…again. Lol. Hopefully only for another month or so.
• We’re selling our house and moving in with his parents. Eventually we’ll get an apartment because uhhhhh real estate in California ain’t the same as Georgia lol (I’m hoping that leaving the suburbs means I’ll finally get to have the city loft I’ve always dreamed of…).
• I’m anxious all the time (nothing new) but my depression seems to have lessened so…yay?
• I miss my friends a lot and the fact that I can’t hit them up and show up to their houses randomly whenever I want is starting to weigh on my soul.
• I have to get used to bringing my own grocery bags to the store. Seriously good on you California for eliminating waste but damn I have to carry all my groceries in my purse because I KEEP FORGETTING TO BUY REUSABLE BAGS
I’m getting sarcastic responses to this that “well, girls just don’t want to be talked to…. Guess guys will never be able to enter a relationship ever again because we can’t approach women”.
That’s not what this is saying.
There’s a time and a place for everything. A woman sitting on a bus, wearing headphones, trying to get home after work might not want to talk. Might not want to be hit on. A woman at a bar, at a club, or another social setting probably won’t mind talking to someone new.
Look around… Read the room. Respect other people’s privacy and boundaries the best you can.
Women in public are there for their own reasons. They’re not venturing out for you.
When I get called in for stuff for Hollywood, I get to be the best friend of the Caucasian lead…If I want to play the main guy, I have found, I have to write it.
have you ever had a weird sort of crush on one of your friends where you cant actually tell if its a crush or not??? do i want to kiss you?? do i just really enjoy being your friend????? who knows? not me
Hi there I’m here to unnecessarily add that this is called alterous attraction! It’s basically ambiguous attraction that’s indistinguishable between platonic and romantic and/or sexual attraction. It’s not uncommon to feel alterous attraction towards friends/squishes/crushes. This post describes it pretty well, actually. In my experience, it’s like… I’d be cool with dating this person but being their friend is just as good. Like I wouldn’t actively start a romantic relationship, but I wouldn’t turn one down. So yeah! Alterous attraction. It’s nice but confusing.
I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS A WORD FOR IT.
What the…there’s a freakin word for it woah
That is almost entirely my experience of attraction, huh.
